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Deans Daily Chuckle Part 2
Agricola Tue 13 Apr 2010, 11:02 am
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However he was captured only two streets away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such a stupid error, he replied - "Monsier, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
Agricola- Number of posts : 12
Age : 79
Location : Pickering
Registration date : 2008-07-02
5 Minute Management Course Lesson 1
Steam Traction World Wed 21 Apr 2010, 8:40 am
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob, the next-door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great!' the husband says. 'Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story : If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob, the next-door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great!' the husband says. 'Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story : If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Steam Traction World- Admin
- Number of posts : 946
Location : Daventry UK
Registration date : 2008-06-18 -
5 Minute Management Course Lesson 2
Steam Traction World Wed 21 Apr 2010, 8:42 am
A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized, 'Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story : If you are not well informed in your job, opportunities for advancement will pass right by you.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized, 'Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story : If you are not well informed in your job, opportunities for advancement will pass right by you.
Steam Traction World- Admin
- Number of posts : 946
Location : Daventry UK
Registration date : 2008-06-18 -
5 Minute Management Course Lesson 3
Steam Traction World Wed 21 Apr 2010, 8:42 am
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the Admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story : Always let your boss have the first say.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the Admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story : Always let your boss have the first say.
Steam Traction World- Admin
- Number of posts : 946
Location : Daventry UK
Registration date : 2008-06-18 -
5 Minute Management Course Lesson 4
Steam Traction World Wed 21 Apr 2010, 8:44 am
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered, 'Sure , why not ?'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story : To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
The eagle answered, 'Sure , why not ?'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story : To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Steam Traction World- Admin
- Number of posts : 946
Location : Daventry UK
Registration date : 2008-06-18 -
5 Minute Management Course Lesson 5
Steam Traction World Wed 21 Apr 2010, 8:45 am
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story : Bull s*** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story : Bull s*** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Steam Traction World- Admin
- Number of posts : 946
Location : Daventry UK
Registration date : 2008-06-18 -
5 Minute Management Course Lesson 6
Steam Traction World Wed 21 Apr 2010, 8:45 am
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and s*** on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story :
(1) Not everyone who s***s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s*** is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep s***, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story :
(1) Not everyone who s***s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s*** is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep s***, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Steam Traction World- Admin
- Number of posts : 946
Location : Daventry UK
Registration date : 2008-06-18 -
Re: Deans Daily Chuckle Part 2
Steam Traction World Fri 30 Apr 2010, 2:37 pm
I have had many a chuckle at the jokes so here is my contribution to the mayhem.
Isabel
A young couple wanted to join the church, the priest told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'
The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.
'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the priest inquired.
'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly
The priest asked him what happened.
'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.
One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.
The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'
'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at B and Q, either.'
Isabel
A young couple wanted to join the church, the priest told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'
The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.
'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the priest inquired.
'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly
The priest asked him what happened.
'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.
One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.
The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'
'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at B and Q, either.'
Steam Traction World- Admin
- Number of posts : 946
Location : Daventry UK
Registration date : 2008-06-18 -
Re: Deans Daily Chuckle Part 2
chrisnchrisroberts Sun 02 May 2010, 9:04 am
I beat my wife up everyday. She will not get up early in a morning.
chrisnchrisroberts- Number of posts : 123
Location : Blackbutt, Queensland, Australia
Registration date : 2008-10-31
hughb- Number of posts : 575
Age : 54
Location : hertfordshire
Registration date : 2009-03-13
Dean's daily chuckle
Steve Traill Mon 03 May 2010, 6:30 pm
I look after my Mum, every morning I carry her down stairs, ...........................................so she can cook my breakfast.
Steve Traill- Number of posts : 800
Age : 67
Location : Illogan Redruth Cornwall
Registration date : 2008-06-29
Re: Deans Daily Chuckle Part 2
Steam Traction World Tue 04 May 2010, 3:12 pm
Forty Gypsies arrived at the Pearly Gates in their
Transit vans and caravans. St Peter went into the
gatehouse and ‘phoned God. “Hi - I've got forty
travellers here. Can I let them in?"
"Well, we are a bit over quota”, God replied. “Go
out and tell them to choose between them which
are the twelve most worthy, and I will let just the
dozen in."
Less than a minute later St Peter was on the
‘phone again.
"They've gone," he told God.
"What?" said God, "all forty of them?"
"No no" said St Peter, "the gates!"
Transit vans and caravans. St Peter went into the
gatehouse and ‘phoned God. “Hi - I've got forty
travellers here. Can I let them in?"
"Well, we are a bit over quota”, God replied. “Go
out and tell them to choose between them which
are the twelve most worthy, and I will let just the
dozen in."
Less than a minute later St Peter was on the
‘phone again.
"They've gone," he told God.
"What?" said God, "all forty of them?"
"No no" said St Peter, "the gates!"
Steam Traction World- Admin
- Number of posts : 946
Location : Daventry UK
Registration date : 2008-06-18 -
hughb- Number of posts : 575
Age : 54
Location : hertfordshire
Registration date : 2009-03-13
Re: Deans Daily Chuckle Part 2
chrisnchrisroberts Fri 07 May 2010, 8:42 am
Anybody seen the latest Penthouse magazine for married men? It has the same centrefold everymonth.
chrisnchrisroberts- Number of posts : 123
Location : Blackbutt, Queensland, Australia
Registration date : 2008-10-31
hughb- Number of posts : 575
Age : 54
Location : hertfordshire
Registration date : 2009-03-13
Re: Deans Daily Chuckle Part 2
chrisnchrisroberts Wed 19 May 2010, 1:22 pm
replace "centre link" with whatever you call your pension or dole office.
Shazza goes into Centrelink …..
“How many children?” asks the Centrelink worker
“10″ replies Shazza.
“10???” says the Centrelink worker.
What are their names?” “Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne,
Wayne, Wayne and Wayne”
“Doesn’t that get confusing?” asks the Centrelink Worker.
“Naah…” says Shazza “its great because if they are out playing in the
street I just have to shout WAAAAYNE, YA DINNER’S READY or WAAAAYNE GO
TO BED NOW and they all do it…”
“What if you want to speak to one individually?” asks the perturbed
Centrelink worker.
“That’s easy,” says Shazza… “I just use their surnames”
Shazza goes into Centrelink …..
“How many children?” asks the Centrelink worker
“10″ replies Shazza.
“10???” says the Centrelink worker.
What are their names?” “Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne,
Wayne, Wayne and Wayne”
“Doesn’t that get confusing?” asks the Centrelink Worker.
“Naah…” says Shazza “its great because if they are out playing in the
street I just have to shout WAAAAYNE, YA DINNER’S READY or WAAAAYNE GO
TO BED NOW and they all do it…”
“What if you want to speak to one individually?” asks the perturbed
Centrelink worker.
“That’s easy,” says Shazza… “I just use their surnames”
chrisnchrisroberts- Number of posts : 123
Location : Blackbutt, Queensland, Australia
Registration date : 2008-10-31
hughb- Number of posts : 575
Age : 54
Location : hertfordshire
Registration date : 2009-03-13
Deans Daily Chuckle
Steve Traill Fri 28 May 2010, 9:58 am
Two eskimos sitting in a kayak were getting chilly, They lit a fire in the craft and it sank,
proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too
proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too
Steve Traill- Number of posts : 800
Age : 67
Location : Illogan Redruth Cornwall
Registration date : 2008-06-29
Re: Deans Daily Chuckle Part 2
hughb Sun 30 May 2010, 8:08 pm
Hi that is funny try this
There was a cow in a field .On the edge of Uddersfield.
The finest milk she would not yeald. 'Cos she didn't like
her udders feeled.
There was a cow in a field .On the edge of Uddersfield.
The finest milk she would not yeald. 'Cos she didn't like
her udders feeled.
hughb- Number of posts : 575
Age : 54
Location : hertfordshire
Registration date : 2009-03-13
Re: Deans Daily Chuckle Part 2
chrisnchrisroberts Sun 30 May 2010, 11:03 pm
Was the cow in a field of maize, to get a corny joke? 
chrisnchrisroberts- Number of posts : 123
Location : Blackbutt, Queensland, Australia
Registration date : 2008-10-31
Re: Deans Daily Chuckle Part 2
hughb Mon 31 May 2010, 8:59 am
HO yes that is funny be it took a bit of time for me ..
hughb- Number of posts : 575
Age : 54
Location : hertfordshire
Registration date : 2009-03-13
Similar topics» Dean's Daily Chuckle
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