Dean's Daily Chuckle

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case, Coincidence? I think not!

I drink to make other people interesting (Groucho Marx)

Bloke driving home in his new Toyota Prius, his wife rings him up to see how its going. He replied fine, can't stop.

Bloke goes home and tells his wife to pack her bags as they have won the lottery. Where are we going she asks. He replies, not we, you.

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this March from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.
Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
A spokesperson for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and Australia stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like that they are not so keen on going to paradise.

still laughing an hour later.

Guy gets stopped for speeding. The copper says 'Where's your documents?', In the glove compartment with my gun!, You've got a gun? Yeah, I shot the woman who's in the boot when i nicked the car! The copper gets on the radio, 'I need assistance'. Loads of squad cars turn up, the armed responce asks 'Where's the gun?', I haven't got one!, 'Where's the body?', What body? I bet the lying git also said i was speeding too!

Single black female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your car, pig shooting, camping, fishing trips, and cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I will be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I am yours. Call XXXXX and ask for Daisy.
Over 5000 men found themselves talking to the RSPCA about an 8 weeek old Labrador Retreiver puppy!

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

chrisnchrisroberts wrote:Single black female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your car, pig shooting, camping, fishing trips, and cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I will be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I am yours. Call XXXXX and ask for Daisy.
Over 5000 men found themselves talking to the RSPCA about an 8 weeek old Labrador Retreiver puppy!

NOW that is funny I can only write this after 5 mins

Mate of mine married a Polish girl the other week, got her home and it took her 4 hours to do the hoovering.......turns out she was a Slovac!!

Your mate should have Czech'd her out first!

Hi

I do not get it ??

But try this Q : Whot is the magnetic pole???

A ; A Polish man with a shovel on his head

A US cop catches an illegal alien by the Mexican border. 'Sorry' he says, 'You know the law, you've got to go back' The Mexican pleads with him, 'No, Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeze!' The cop says, 'Okay, tell you what, I'll let you stay if you can use the words "green", "pink" and "yellow" in a sentence' The Mexican thinks then says, 'Hokay. The phone, it went "green, green, green" ....I pink it up and sez "yellow?"

Now all I can say is

A husband n wife are gettin ready for bed when the husband notices she's stood in front of the mirror looking veryyyyyy sad...
"Whats up with you?" he asks.... to which the wife replies "well look at me, I'm going grey, my boobs are saggy and me bums no longer where it should be and I've got wrinkles... " she replies..
"Well look on the bright side" he replies..
"There's bugger all wrong with your eyesight....

One day Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office and said
"Alastair, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back
Middle England ".

"Good idea PM. How will we go about it?" said Darling.

"Well," said Brown, "we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour
coats, some proper wellies, a stick, and a flat cap. Oh, and a
Labrador too. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old
country pub, in 'Much' Something or other, and we'll show them that we
really enjoy the countryside...."

"Right PM", said Darling.

So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at
heel, they set off. Eventually they arrived in a quiet little village
and found a lovely country pub. With dog at heel they went in and up
to the bar.

"Good evening Landlord. Two pints of your best ale from the wood
please", said Brown.

"Good evening Prime Minister", said the landlord, "two pints of best
it is - coming up".

Brown and Darling stood leaning on the bar, contemplating new taxes,
and nodding now and again to those who came in for a drink. The dog
lay quietly at their feet.

Suddenly the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled
old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador ,
lifted its tail with his crook, looked underneath, shrugged his
shoulders and walked back into the other bar.

A few moments later, in came a wizened old farmer who followed the
same procedure, to the bewilderment of Brown and Darling. This
procedure then continued, with people of all ages and gender following
suit during the next hour or so.

Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord over.

"Tell me", he said, "why do all those people keep coming in to look
under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old country custom?"

"Good Lord no", said the landlord, "It's just that somebody told them
there was a Labrador in the bar with two arseholes"...

thehawk wrote:Your mate should have Czech'd her out first!

She obviously wasnt Russian then

Nah, she was just going at normal speed!!

Hi all

Well this is one of the coolested treds on there I think!! .As It has gone down better than the U~Tube thred.

I was telling one of my brothers about my engine and the fouram . Then he reminded me about our prep school music teacher and a soung she told us all about so here it is....

When God made man he made us he made us out of string .But he had a bit left and put in a little thing .
When God made woman he made her out of lace, did not have enough so made a small place.

Thank you GOD

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, 'I want a 12 year old scotch, and don't try to fool me, because I can tell the difference' The Bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with a 5 year old scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, 'Bartender, this cr*p is 5year scotch, I told you I want 12 year scotch' The bartender tries once more with an 8 year old scotch, the man take a sip, grimaces and says, 'Bartender, I dont want an 8year scotch I want a 12 year scotch. Give me a 12 year scotch!' Impressed the bartender gets the 12 year scotch. The man takes a sip and sighs, 'Ah the real thing' A drunk has been watching this with great interest. he stumbles over, sets a glass down in front of the man, and says, 'Hey, try this one' The man takes a sip and immediately spits it out again, 'Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss' The drunk says, 'Yeah, Now how old am I?'

Now the is funny I will have to tell my mate

Guy walks in to a pharmacist and asks the man behind the counter for a packet of 3 condoms. "I think i'll be needing all of these tonight" he boasts, "I'm going to my girlfriends house for dinner and i'm sure her sister and mother both fancy me as well."

He sits down at the table with the 3 ladies when the father comes in and sits down also, the guy immediately bows his head down low and begins to say Grace, the praying goes on for 15 minutes, his head bowing lower all the time.

The girlfriend leans over and says " I didn't know you were so religious", he replies "I didn't know your dad was a Pharmacist!"